“I’ve learned that – both in my creative process and my sexual process – I need to be stimulated or have some kind of spark before I can say, ‘Ah, this is the moment to seize!” I can’t just breathe my way into being turned on. I can’t just breathe my way into being creative.”
REMY WEARS THE BALC IN BLACK AND THE BIKINI IN BLACK
“That’s taught me a second lesson: when that spark does come, seize the opportunity. If you have a joke that pops into your head, don't deny yourself. Don't disrespect yourself by just letting it go away. Lean in. Do it to the best of your ability. And, if you are turned on, go to your room, have a few orgasms and get on with your day. I think when the moment strikes, you should seize it.”
At 28 years old, comedian Remy Kassimir had never had an orgasm and was determined to learn how. Around the same time, Remy was venturing from improv comedy to solo stand-up shows and finding her voice on the stage. Her creative & sexual processes aligned in the most unexpected, hilarious, impactful way when she started How Cum: the only podcast dedicated to achieving the female orgasm.
“I was starting to do more stand-up and people were interested in me speaking my truth. I thought, ‘Oh, I can tell you about boring things like being unemployed and you love that?’ It was the first time I realized that being myself was going to get me further in life than I had ever anticipated.”
REMY WEARS THE BALC IN BLACK AND THE BIKINI IN BLACK
“I wanted to start a podcast because I saw that other comedians, who weren’t necessarily funny, had podcasts with huge followings and that got them booked a lot. So I thought, ‘What’s a universal topic? Death!’ Thought about that for a little. People didn’t seem too jazzed.”
“Stand-up was the first time I was really seeing women talk about their intimate stuff, besides Amy Schumer, who was talking about sex. These lower level comics didn’t have specials yet and they were talking about masturbation. They were talking about dating guys who couldn’t make them cum. Or guys that had made them cum seven times.”
“At the time, I wasn’t cumming. And after the show, I’d think, ‘This is so unfair. It seems like everyone’s cumming except me. And I’d really like to learn how.’ So, I’d pull [the female comics] aside.”
“They started giving me assignments. I would go home and inevitably fail because I didn’t know what I was doing. I knew I needed something that was going to hold me accountable; to make it public information that I don’t cum and that I’m working on it. So, I started a podcast to figure it out.”
REMY WEARS THE BALC IN BLUSH
“How Cum chronicles my journey talking to different people – whether they were comedians or scientists or doctors – who gave me assignments for something I had to do before the next episode, to hopefully make me cum. Spoiler alert: I did it! And now, the podcast has pivoted towards making other people feel less alone and less weird about their sexual preferences. It's not that weird. You're not alone. Let's explore what you're into.”
Remy’s exploration of female masturbation flips the script around taboo topics, hosting a crowd-sourced education around experiences that women have been historically left to figure out on their own. She argues that our diverse sexual preferences are not a reason to stay silent about our sex lives, but all the more reason to share what works and encourage exploration.
“Every person is different. Every woman, every man, every person’s private parts. The way they like pressure and the way they experience different feelings down there. Everyone is built differently. So you have to give yourself the opportunity to try all these things in order to discover what feels good for you.”
REMY WEARS THE BALC IN BLACK AND THE BIKINI IN BLACK
“Even if you are searching for your G spot, it’s going to be in a different place than somebody else’s. So you need the opportunity to try different toys, different positions, lying down, hanging upside down, whatever it is. Vibration, clitoral stimulation, anal play, you never know. You have got to try.”
After about six episodes, Remy completed her task. Her orgasm did not come from one of the assignments she received – which ranged from tantric massages to masturbation workshops. It came from the Womanizer: a clitoral suction toy. The experience of her first orgasm was quickly followed by a sinking question: is this the end of the podcast? Just six episodes in? Of course not. Remy quickly realized there were so many other questions to answer, so much more to explore on her own, and so many taboo mindsets to unpack and demystify among women.
“I still feel inadequate [about my ability to orgasm,] because I often do it manually. I’m asked by a lot of women, ‘Well, why don’t you? Why can’t you? Why won’t you?’’ And I say, ‘Listen. Do you prefer using a stove instead of lighting a campfire? There have been developments in technology. Do you want people to screw on toothpaste caps instead of machines?”
REMY WEARS THE BALC IN BLACK AND THE BIKINI IN BLACK
While Remy is in favor of making the most of technological developments, she knows that our bodies remain the most unique, powerful, diverse machines. Before we can share them with others, we have to understand, on our own terms, how they work.
“The one question people always ask me is, ‘How does your boyfriend feel about all of this? Is he bad at sex?’ I always have to say, ‘No. Remy had been with her body for twenty-five years before she even knew Ben. And Remy had no idea what she was doing with her body.’”
“How can we expect somebody to know what to do with our bodies if we’ve never figured out how to do it ourselves? It’s like handing someone a Rubik’s Cube and saying, ‘Hey, I’ve never figured this out, but maybe you can. Also, you’re naked. Enjoy!’ That is so wrong and rude.”
“I wish someone had told me, when I was younger, ‘You don’t have to mold yourself to what other people think so that they will [sleep] with you. You can love yourself in your room. And you should love yourself first. Then, another person will come along and they will probably sleep with you and they will definitely love you. But if you’ve been doing these things for yourself already, you don’t have to put all your stock into another person’s opinions.”
REMY WEARS THE BALC IN BLUSH
“When I masturbate, I have learned that it’s really about romancing myself. When I started the podcast, I realized that a lot of the things I was doing for other people should really be for me –like grooming, for instance. Now, if I’m trying to romance myself, I think of it like getting ready for a date with myself. I’m shaving for myself. I’m putting on candles for myself. I’m playing music for myself. I’m touching different parts of my body for myself.”
“You wouldn’t like it if your boyfriend went straight for your vagina. You would think he only liked that one part. You have to love your whole body. I’ve kissed my own shoulders. I’ve talked dirty to myself. I’ve touched my own butt. I’ve looked at my thighs. This makes it all a much more sensual experience. Before, I was trying to get to the finish line. Now, it’s much more about the journey. About living in it.”
Tags: bodytalk , sensuality
