Iâm a fourth generation Californian. I grew up in LA, near Hancock Park. When I first got into the entertainment industry, my experience was great. Because of the way I was raised I was just like, âdoo-doo-doo-doo-doo â canât we all get along?â In LA I was in a bubble, so I didnât really get [racism] until I moved to New York. And then I was like, âOh⌠I see.â I feel like where our problem lies is in the fact that most of us are not educated about other cultures, and there is so much self hate within cultures. Malcolm X said something great: he said if all people of color would come together, thatâs how we would win. He didnât mean letâs go out and kill people â he meant that if we wouldnât fight amongst ourselves, we would win. Thatâs how I interpret it. And I feel like thatâs where the problem lies. With women, itâs not liking other women. âYouâre not cute enough, youâre not thin enoughâ â there is so much self hate. At the end of the day, what does that say about us? Why are we so judgemental of one anotherâs appearance? Look, I know how you have to present yourself in certain industries. But it saddens my heart when I have a friend whoâs starving herself to be a size two. What is wrong? There is something incredibly wrong. Iâm glad Iâm getting older. [Laughs] Â
I was talking to someone recently about how I feel extremely vulnerable and powerful all at the same time [in 2019]. Itâs just a very hard time. You feel it â people are crunchy. My soul is really sad right now. I was just saying last night, âWhat happened to the days where you could just laugh and all you had to worry about who's your president hooking up with?â Now itâs like, Iâm actually afraid. I mean, look: struggle is good. You grow from struggle, you learn about yourself, and if you donât struggle I think youâre lost. But Iâm aware of being black and a woman more than ever the last couple years â since [Trump] has been president. Maybe itâs that people always felt that and never approached me, but now people are coming at me and saying things. Before all these world problems I would just come back at people like, âwho are you talking to? But I think thatâs what makes me sad â Iâm now afraid to speak up. Thatâs a really icky feeling. I donât know if itâs racism, I donât know what it is, but youâre seeing so many things happen and youâre reading about so much, people seem to be triggered. And I donât want to be their target.Â
To me, education is important. Knowing about the world is important. Understanding other societies is important. When my family would travel when I was a kid, my parents would make me learn about the place we were going, and I did learn a lot that way. My family, as much as they drive me insane, as far as ground rules they did a great job. I think I had the luxury of them never telling me I couldnât do whatever I wanted. But not just me â so can you. In fact, one quality I think is amazing about the millennial generation is that they are not afraid to say âThatâs not working for me.â A lot of my friends disagree with me and say âThey need to learn what itâs like to work, learn what itâs like to suffer.â Iâm like, ânot so much.â I remember when I first started my career, I was not being promoted at ABC. They told me, âYou havenât suffered enough yet.â I went home and told my grandfather, and he said, âGo in and quit. No one just âsuffers.â So I went in and said âIâm quitting,â and then they promoted me. [Laughs] If someoneâs not treating you nicely, or you feel like youâre not getting paid appropriately, you guys are just like, âIâm out,â and I think itâs amazing.Â
I try to take on clients who are kind â who actually know themselves and want to do different things for the world. I always say âI donât want to represent you if I canât have you in my home.â Iâm not perfect, no one is. Weâre all trying to deal with our flaws, itâs just nice if we can support each other in our flaws. And be really kind to each other in our flaws. And itâs a struggle. I roll my eyes five times a day going, âwhat did that person just say?â [Laughs] But Iâm trying. I think a lot of people would think Iâm not the nicest person in the world. But Iâm also really shy. Being kind is hard right now, but thatâs the goal. Iâm just not very good at editing what I think or say. When people get to know me they say Iâm a teddy bear with teeth. But I do take responsibility for my bad behavior. Itâs the most important thing in life: if you do not make yourself accountable, you lose every time. I think people that care about you hear you. At the end of the day, I really feel bad if I hurt someone. Itâs never my intent. But all my bad behavior has made me a better person. Iâm so proud to have people in my life who called me out on shit. I said to someone, âWhy did you stay my friend?â And they said, âbecause you had a good heart, you just were such a bitch.â [Laughs]Â
When I was younger, a photograph of me was published in this book Beautiful â it was a nude. Itâs a great book. The photographerâs wife is one of my closest friends, so I said, âSure, Iâll do it for fun.â I just did it for myself. But I saw the photo I was like, â...oh.., this isnât what I thought I looked like.â I started crying, and my best friend looks at me and goes, âHoney, did you think you were Cindy Crawford?â [Laughs] Sheâs my best friend. I love her. You always want to look beautiful. But she said to me, âyou are beautiful, youâre in this fucking book.â Now when I look at it, Iâm like, âyeah!â But at the time, I wasnât feeling good about myself. I had some body dysmorphia â I thought I was skinnier than the photo made me look, and it took me down a downward spiral for sure, because I had to deal with what that meant. I ended up in this space of meditation: what are you doing to yourself? And I had to work through it that way, focusing on myself.Â
I had always rolled in the world doing what I wanted to do, but then all of a sudden I was in the spotlight. Iâd just started managing. I was in my thirties. I hadnât had success yet, and success scared me. I think that was a huge part of it all. Iâm not sure Iâd consider myself all that successful now, but as far as living my life on my terms, yes â theyâre on my terms. And even though Iâm sarcastic as hell [laughs], Iâve had a lot of hardships that have given me a lot of compassion. I really do have a lot of compassion. That comes from my life experiences, my family. Thatâs part of why I left [LA]. Here, I have so many different kinds of friends, and itâs lovely. I feel like Iâm a better person in New York City â I think it has softened me. When youâre softer youâre kinder, and when youâre kinder you have more empathy. We need more kindness. Because weâre all suffering. Weâre all in this together. Weâre all the same. And I think about people who go to jobs they hate. If youâre lucky enough to have a job you love, youâre able to live your kindness and your truth and to be your most authentic self. I think thatâs the goal in life â to be your most authentic self. And sometimes itâs not pretty. But life is not pretty. Weâre all so incredibly flawed. We make excuses for it, but thatâs where accountability comes in. Once you start making excuses for your flaws, you canât have passion. And you know, itâs just nice to feel happy. It encourages you to get up in the morning. Thatâs what is changing in the millenials â that is something I thank them for. In my generation, I see a lot of people in jobs they donât like focused on just making money, saving money, your future â but we all could die tomorrow. And if you think about that, itâs like, âOh shit.â [Laughs] I think if you surround yourself with good people, thatâs the key. You can have fun. Weâre not dead yet!â
Photographed by Stephanie Lavaggi. Interview by Anna Jube. Styling by Emily Newnam.Â